The more that you learn, the more places you'll go. Dr. Seuss

 

 

Dr. Seuss you popped into my head today and realized I had to stop putting off my blog. I need to write for therapy, to get to the bottom of what I am and have been feeling. I have been cooped up in my apartment for 7 weeks almost 8 weeks, not working. I have been struggling with my depression that was recently diagnosed in May. I have meds but, not counseling which I really need. I have been crying, praying, cooking and going to Crossfit for my own style of therapy. August of 2011 I moved to South Korea for a year and for the FIRST time in  my life, I did not share space with another human. Before I left, I had been living with my mom in my old room, in my hometown of Tallahassee, Florida. Since August I have been living alone again. As the oldest of 6 kids-I enjoy my space at times but, I miss more sharing my space with someone whose energy fills me and I fill theirs. I came back to Florida to try rooming with each of my sisters-that went terribly wrong. My relationship with them is tainted forever. Our idealized expectations of our dream of being 3 single sisters in one city wasn't to be realized.

Right now I am riddled with guilt for not going to Crossfit this morning even though I had two workouts yesterday, which happens 5 times a week as a goal.

 

Recipe for Paleo candy

I am still in my PJs. I have cleaned my floors, kitchen, brushed my teeth, messaged with an old boyfriend who broke my heart in Orlando when I was at the lowest point in my life-who know regrets letting me down and wants to marry me. That was definitely something I learned today that I did not expect. If I only had a time machine, so there could be do-overs. I got laid off, thought I had breast cancer and had a nervous break down that left me bed ridden and sobbing for hours. This man said he had loved me, wanted to be the man I needed, he wasn't. I just fell further after that. Oh, but I did make Paleo chocolate candies and dark chocolate almond-pecan bark. Besides, it was just a break up-go hide your crazy Kel....

Watch the video by Miranda Lambert about a broken heart.

 





My ex and children are on their way to bring me items of mine from our former family residence, my ex let in go into foreclosure and was just given  72  hours to get out of the house. He has known since February when it was auctioned off that this was to be his fate. He is a hoarder, a HUGE challenge in our marriage I don't know how he will do it. My sweet house is full of trash and dirt, not how I wanted to see it upon moving back to Nashua, NH.


Here I sit, just recently been offered a job after 7 weeks to start a new career path that found me. A career I looked for but didn't know how to obtain it- where to find it. I began the teacher profession as a dream but, have been crushed over and over with my own inadequacies. My certifications show 4 licensed subjects and in two states. People I met are always super impressed with it, but inside I know I am a pretender-I took the tests and clepped the college Ed courses. I really have no idea what I am doing. I just took a random 120 question test  for each cert and here I am. Today, I am the employee of a mental health services company about to be trained for 3 months as therapeutic mentor for mentally ill children-the last step before they get hospitalized as a residential inpatient. The timing is bittersweet though.

 

My ex just brought my Hope Chest from our  house.

 

 

I got it when I was 16 from my grandma Brock. I was the oldest grandkid and daughter. No one else got one but me. I had hopes, dreams and anticipation of filling it with baby clothes and things for being a newlywed bride. I looked inside of it just now, it has a random scattering of items from my past: the silver-platted cutting knife engraved with Kelly and Bob, June 21, 1997; holiday cards from me to Bob, photos of family members, and other random paper memories.

 As I sit at my kitchen table, out of the corner of my eye I see my Lenox China with the pattern name of Eternal.

 

 

 

I bought most of it with high school graduation money. I seriously doubt any other senior spent their money on china to put in their hope chest. Well, I was raised by a traditional southern mother. She had china in her special cabinet....that I ate on a couple of times in my life. Quite certainly my mother got her as a part of her registry....that's what 20 year old southern girls do.

Today, we are both divorced southern women who waited on our husbands-hand and foot.

 

Where did that get us today?

Cuddled up at night (alone) with our dreams and our cold china on the pillow next to us?

 

 

They are things we do cause we are southern....that's it. Today, the china I see was hauled from NH August 2009 when I left for Tallahassee to start my first teaching position. It sat in plastic container for 3 years and then in August of this year; I hauled it back to Nashua. Insane isn't it? Never once did I use it during that time. It was moved from one sister's house to another-ignored. Funny, it represents old dreams and a young girl who is gone. I have no affection for it. Soon it will be sold on Craig's list for a nominal amount of money I am sure.

I have read lots, learned about more things since my divorce then I ever did before that time.

What I learned is to listen to my younger self's dreams which led me to South Korea....Cambodia, Thailand, Philippines and Japan.

 I learned that my naysayers were wrong about me not going Korea. The nineteen year old bride is long gone and in place is a 42 year old slightly more mature divorcee with two children.

 I have gone a few places-even across the world, to the UK, Bahamas and around Asia. Each place I have been taught me about things I never imagined.  Yes, I am more grateful, jaded, skeptical, open and freed today.

Where will you go to learn, to know, live and have no regrets?